Why am I so sad?
Lately I haven’t been myself. I don’t like it at all. What do I have to be so sad about? I just got engaged to the most amazing woman. I have great friends, family, my intelligence and most of the things that everyone wants. What do I have to be so sad about?
It makes no sense to me. I’m normally happy. I am known for that. It is sometimes hard to keep up. I want people to always know that everything is fine and that I have no problems and never have a negative thought. I don’t know why this is so important to me. Ever since my multiple sclerosis diagnosis I’ve had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
I get sad for pretty much no reason and lash out on people I love. I become an uglier version of myself and escape into a quiet atmosphere. Well it is quiet on the outside but inside my brain convinces me of lies and I find myself saddened. I get sad and worried because I start to think I’m not good enough and feel like a burden. It is one of the worst feelings ever.
I know it isn’t my fault and I know it is my MS raging against me. It is honestly one of the most difficult trials I’ve been involved in. I even grapple with calling it depression. With as little that is known about the disease it still feels like I was just diagnosed. I’m trying to get better at realizing when I’m not feeling like my usually optimistic self and try to separate myself from the whole around me.
I feel misunderstood by some friends, coworkers, and family. I’m not the jerk these bad episodes will have you believe I am. I’m a very nice person who sometimes gets grumpy. At work I keep to myself and sometimes feel like I’m not well liked so it is best to be quiet and out of the way. It might be my imagination or the disease messing with me but it is how I get by.
My fiancé is a saint. She puts up with the worst of me. She has seen me at my best and at my worst and knows who I am. She knows I’m a good guy. I feel loads of guilt when I am not nice to her or when I overreact to something’s she has said. I’m trying to be better about shutting my mouth and letting it pass. I know I have a life partner in her and we will beat this garbage together. Usually we do great but on rare occasions I get upset over something stupid and talk when I should relax and be cool. Cooler heads ultimately prevail.
My doctor suggested I see a therapist. That will be one of the things I will take care of to hopefully fix this issue. A solution is what I seek. To just remain that happy go lucky guy who takes it easy and is laid back. I want that for me and I want that for those around me. I don’t ever want this to push people away.
Just give it a few moments the old me will be back with a smiling face.
Can you relate? Do you ever feel sad for no real reason?
Patrick is a Chicago born comedian and blogger. He is in school to be a teacher and enjoys playing ukulele and listening to music in his spare time. He uses humor to deal with adversity. He is where tragedy meets comedy and comedy always wins.