I don’t know if this is a common issue with multiple sclerosis but I am overwhelmed some days with guilt. I apologize a lot. Chances are if you know me I have apologized.
I apologize for being in too much pain to do things.
I apologize for being too tired to do things.
I apologize because sometimes when I talk I sound like a scratched record while my brain searches my lexicon for the right words or any appropriate replacement word.
At the end of it all I’m just apologizing for having MS. Even though I acknowledge that this post is my list of apologies for people in my life. It may be unnecessary, I’m sure it is, but I’m hoping it’ll provide me with some solace and ease my worried heart and head.
To my coworkers, you may not see this. You don’t know Modern Day MS exists, but I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that sometimes I get so fatigued at work that I have to leave because I’m nodding off at my desk.
I’m sorry that MS and diabetes have tag teamed and have messed with my vision that every thing becomes a blurred mess and sometimes it forces me to leave.
I’m sorry I’m moody, I’m really a nice guy I just have a monster in my brain and spinal cord and the fight overcomes me.
To my family, thank you for always being there and surrounding me with love. When I was young I presented myself with this sense of entitlement. I’m not better than anyone. I’m not going to be that jerk anymore. MS makes it difficult for me to plan drives to Indiana where you guys live but you’ll see more of me and Crystal, my fiancée, and the kids.
To comedy and my fellow comedians, my last couple of shows didn’t go so well. Some of it was because of rust most of it was MS related. I’m working my way back. I’ve been taking my time away from the stage to write more and will start getting back out to mics. I’ll always be a comedian. I love it and it feeds my soul.
To my friends, gosh, you guys, I miss you. MS makes me lame. It is hard to plan anything and sometimes I have to back out of plans because of sudden pain and fatigue that I didn’t expect. I love you guys. This is all still new to me and I’m trying to find what will work. We will hang with the old me soon. I’m sorry that every “How are you doing?” Is answered with my trials with MS. I’m sure it is exhausting to hear my hard luck story but my guilt wants you to know why it has been awhile since we have hung out.
I do think of you guys all of the time and I’m not admitting defeat to MS I’m just strategizing and figuring out how to quiet this disease. Please know you are all in my heart and my head all the time. I’ll see you soon.
To my fiancée, thank you for being my world, my everything. Crystal, you’ve seen the best and the worst of this disease. Okay well there is no best to MS but you have seen it all so far. I probably apologize to you the most. I always mean it. I know I always seem sorry for something. I know I’m not always the guy you started dating. I know you love me in spite of the worst of this disease.
You are my rock. You love me like no one else has. For us love is more than a word. It is an action; it is a verb and a noun. We love each other it’s our whole entire hearts. I love that despite the future unknowns you will there. I love that you could have left me behind when I was diagnosed but you held me while I cried and looked at me and your words and your eyes told me you’ll always be there. The one thing I can promise is a future with me. It will have ups and downs but it will be and has been a hell of wicked sweet ride. I love you.
I’m sorry for always apologizing.
I really am sorry even though we all know it isn’t my fault.
Do you apologize a lot? Do you feel guilt? How do you and those around you deal with it?
Patrick is a Chicago born comedian and blogger. He is in school to become a teacher and enjoys playing ukulele and listening to music in his spare time. He uses humor to deal with adversity. He bills himself as the person where tragedy meets comedy and comedy always wins. It is his belief that if you are able to laugh at something, then you take the power away from it. His devoation is to make sure he makes fun of MS and the rest of the diseases like cancer, diabetes, and psoraisis during his acts. He is engaged to his best friend and he swears she cares for him better than anyone can.
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