I can hear you crying behind the door and don’t know what I said to upset you. But, I know I am the cause of your tears.
I told her, “I am not making an excuse and honestly don’t know what I said.”
She said she believes me and really hope this is true.
I told her this would probably happen again.
Through her tears she said, “I would take this pain every day if it means I get to be with you.”
What can you say to that? I said something. It wasn’t words but sound came out.
“Go.” I said.
“No.” She said.
“I will hurt you again. It won’t be on purpose but I will make you cry. For all the times I will hurt you I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.”
“You’re right. I don’t. I never have. There is not a single thing I have ever done in my entire life to deserve the beautiful, intelligent, witty, hysterical, loyal, stunning, amazing, strong and brave person in front of me.”
OH COME ON!!
I would feel better if she were angry or bitter. She’s not.
She held me for two hours while I sobbed uncontrollably. I uttered a thousand apologies. She told me a thousand and one times that I had no reason to apologize.
There was just cause. I made her cry.
I can be cruel. I don’t know why. It has always come so easily to me. Maybe it’s because words easily form into sentences that can eviscerate the human spirit. It has been one of my negatives since I was young.
I’m not always this way. Most of the time I’m cheerful, bright, supportive and pleasant to be around. I suppose I save the darkest parts of myself for the one who has promised to love me in sickness and in health. She’s keeping that promise.
I hate this. I hate hurting her. I hate multiple sclerosis.
Sometimes my emotions are completely out of whack. Other times I find myself crying over something exhilarating and find my reaction to be completely out of sync with the situation. I wonder about PBA (pseudobulbar affect) but that hasn’t been confirmed because emotions are handled in the brain. My brain and I are not on speaking terms these days.
I hate that I hurt the people I love.
I still wish she’d tell me what I said. She put the need to protect me before the desire to acknowledge how I hurt her. She protects me from myself.
I still think she deserves better. She still thinks she got the better end of the deal.
Wow. I am truly blessed. In so many ways.
Can you relate? Do you ever regret the way you treat your partner?
Maria Thomas was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in April of 2015 and documents her journey with a monthly column on Modern Day MS. She has a wonderfully supportive wife, two dogs and lives in New Orleans.