I’ve had many things happen over the past six months. The most eye opening was hands down my VERY intense 4.5 months of back to back physical and occupational therapy sessions three times a week. It was absolutely grueling and my therapists were merciless. Every day I left and looked like I finished a three hour CardioFit session, a hot yoga class and trained for a triathlon all in one afternoon. While I still have the same physical limitations as I did before starting therapy, I learned how to manage my problems more efficiently.
That’s what has been going on physically. Emotionally I have had revelations and I have struggled with “what’s next?” Where do I focus my less that minimal energy level is another question I’ve been asking myself.
My diagnosis followed a linear path and everything follows the previous step. Complete one, move on to the next. But what’s the next step? What do I do now?
The undercurrent of my first few months after my diagnosis was looking for my life as I formerly knew it, managing pain from everyday tasks and looking to find myself again. First I followed the path backwards to get back to where I started. It was a steady momentum driving me toward a tangible goal. It seemed logical. Obviously I was wrong.
I honestly can’t recall what I tried to do in THAT moment – that moment when you accept that there is no one you left waiting in the waiting room of the hospital. That moment where everything changes, completely and with finality. She’s not coming back. She’s a memory now.
If you can’t change your circumstances, change your perspective It’s a completely different view of the same scene.
In the past six months, I’ve learned that I’m not on a linear path, aiming for the next goal in a series of goals. I still strive to achieve objectives but they are less concrete, significantly more general. Ultimately, I’m trying to be the best me that I can. In the end, that’s what the woman I left behind in that waiting room wanted also.
It’s a different pace for me now. I still compare myself to what I used to accomplish versus now. I still get frustrated when I feel I’ve come up short in my opinion. I’m working on it. It’s a journey.
Thanks for understanding my need for a break. There’s so much more to tell you. Stay tuned!
How have you been feeling? Feel free to share what has been going on with you and any recent revelations.
Maria Thomas was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in April of 2015 and documents her journey with a monthly column on Modern Day MS. She has a wonderfully supportive wife, two dogs and lives in New Orleans.